Home

I've spoken, not at length but some, about my chronic depression, which has teamed up recently with an anxiety disorder to, essentially, turn my life into a living hell.
It's been a while since I last posted, since Halloween, and though not much has happened to me, a great deal has happened in my life nonetheless, though mostly it's been in my head. Long, long, long story short: I've decided to go home. Back to Canada. I have a few reasons for this decision, and while separately they probably wouldn't make it impossible for me to stay here, the combination of them all does. I won't go into all of it here as much of it has to do with the torment happening in my mind and, as bad a place as I've been in lately, I would like to focus on the positive here.
Mostly, I've just decided that this isn't the right place or right time for me to be here. Earlier in my life, exchange might have been good for me, would have changed me for the - hopefully - better. Maybe it's that Hungary isn't the right fit for me, or that the program isn't, but instead of changing or bending, I'm only breaking. If you're reading this and wondering if there was something you could have done differently, there isn't, and I have enough guilt on my conscience for all of us.
I think I came on exchange for the wrong reasons. I wanted an adventure. I wanted to see more of the world, escape the confines of the city where I had spent my entire life. I wanted new experiences and excitement. I wanted to change and grow and learn about myself. These aren't bad reasons, it just wasn't what I encountered when I arrived here. After the initial excitement of being here, life fell back into a rhythm, one that I couldn't find a place in or control. Adventures were things that I had to create for myself most of the time, and often did alone, with no one to share them with. I grew and learned about myself, and I haven't changed for the worse, but what I've learned from this experience has made it clear to me that I can't stay.
With every passing day, my anxiety grows. I feel disconnected to the people and events here. I feel I have no purpose, no way to contribute here, or to move forward with my own life. I am told to 'experience the culture' and to 'have fun', which is why I was supposed to come here in the first place. Unfortunately, I have no place in this culture, a culture which often conflicts with my own morals and ideals. This has made the 'fun' part pretty much impossible. And I'm also finding that these aren't good enough reasons for me to stay here. I need more.
I've become severely depressed, to the point where going home is the only answer. I know a lot of people don't understand it, and don't think I'm making the right decision, but I think that's only because they don't know the whole story. I'm not going to share the whole story. It would take too long, and I just don't feel comfortable doing that, but know that there are things I'm not saying, and trust my decision to leave.
But this is depressing me further, and I think I mentioned earlier that I would like to focus on the positive here. So I would like to talk about what I have learned and become in my relatively short time here.
I have learned that I am resourceful. When I'm in a jam, I don't stay that way. I can get myself out of any pickle. More often than not, this involves faking tears to get people to help me, but I do what I must.
I have learned that I am strong. It seems odd to me to be saying this when I'm essentially giving up on my exchange, and my mental illnesses would have me turning into a puddle of guilt and regret over this, but in the rational part of my mind, I don't see it that way. I am strong because I recognize when I am out of cards to play. I know when to walk away from something that's doing me harm, when by all means, it would be easier to stay. And it would be much easier to stay here. I don't want to go home, and there are many people who question my decision and make it even harder for me to leave, but I know that in order to be happy and healthy, that's what I need to do.
I have learned that I am beyond stubborn, and if it's possible, I've become even more stubborn than before. This is probably another reason that I'm leaving, in all honesty. I see things that I don't like and I attempt to fix it, and I don't stop trying to fix it. If they are things that I can fix, then that's fine, but more often than not, they are things that I can't fix. At home, these things were often small, significant, but not so much that I couldn't eventually let it go. The things that I've encountered here are things that I am passionate about, and find it impossible to live happily with.
I have learned that I'm independent. That hasn't exactly helped me here, as I've pointed out in an earlier blog post. Independence very quickly becomes 'isolated' and 'mysterious' (which I don't understand at all) and 'kind of a bitch' in the eyes of my peers. They're right about the bitch part, but I lived for close to eighteen years in Kamloops, and spent twelve of those in school and very few people figured that out. I spend three months in Dabas and somehow everyone's onto me.
I have learned that I will always stand up for what I believe in, even if it doesn't make me any friends.
Similarly I have learned that a sharp wit might work well for the heroes and heroines of my favourite stories, but when trying to make it in a new place, ass-kissing is usually a better tactic. I've always been better at the former.
I have learned that my friends and family, the people who love me more than anything, will always be there for me. They may not always understand, or say the right things, but they will think about me, and worry about me, and love me, and support me. That means more to me than anything in the world.
I've learned to take any bit of happiness I can find. As Dumbledore taught me "Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light". Now, if you've suffered from depression, you'll realize that it's not really about remembering to turn on the light, but about finding the light at all. The key, I think, is to keep looking, keep trying to find it. It's difficult to stay motivated, energized, when I get like this, but my one technique that I've found to get through it is not to try to be normal, or to convince people that I'm okay, but to do whatever it takes to be happy. Every day I wake up and I make happiness my goal. I make good, healthy food, sleep, hugs, relaxation, and puppies my medicine. It has yet to work, but there isn't much else I can do. Hence why I'm going home.
I have learned that hope is a funny thing. When you have it, you rarely think about it. It spurs on our hopes and dreams, and lets us believe that there is a life worth living out there for us. With hope, you can do anything. Without it, though, life is impossible, and it's incredibly difficult to find after it's left you. I'm lucky. I've always had a way out of this. I could decide to go home at any point, and have. I feel sorry for the people who feel that there is no way out.
I've learned about respect. Respecting yourself, respecting others, earning the respect of others. It's funny, because I can tell when I have someone's respect now. Unfortunately it's taken not having certain people's respect to teach me that.
Oh yeah, and I've learned that I look fantastic in red lipstick.
Anyways, there's a ton more stuff that I could add both to my list of reasons that I'm leaving, and list of things that I've learned, but this is what I can think of off the top of my head and am willing to share. Many times when I talk about why I'm leaving, people try to come up with solutions, reasons why I should stay, but in the end, there's always another reason to leave, or a reason why their solution is impossible. It pretty much comes down to the fact that I have a mental illness. Since arriving here, said mental illness has been getting worse and worse. I need  my family and friends around me if I'm going to get through this. Rotary has told me time and time again "Don't just survive, thrive!" and neither of those things are possible for me here.
So, if you've read this far into this blog post, congratulations, you've just made it through the ramblings of a mad woman who's just pulled an all-nighter. To be honest, this is the most I've been able to write in days, which sucks because I'm a writer.
I should also note that I've really enjoyed writing this blog, and will probably make another one back home on my life from here. If that's something you'd be interested in reading, check back here later or if we're Facebook friends, I'll plug it there.
If you're here in Hungary, I'll miss you and if you're back in Canada, I'll see you soon.
Love you all,
Moira Ann

Halloween and All Saint's Day

I know, you were probably waiting eagerly for the epic conclusion to my weekend. Well, I will keep you waiting no longer, here it is:

I arrived in Debrecen almost an hour and half late, with my friends having called me several times asking where I was and me not being entirely sure what to tell them. ("I'm on a train? I think I'm going in the right direction?") I found out much later - what seemed like eons later - that 'they' (I never know who 'they' are) found a bomb on the track that my train was supposed to be taking. A 500kg, WWII era bomb. According to Brigitte's host dad, this is a regular occurrence, happening every couple of months. Being Canadian, this seemed very strange to me. Finding a bomb in Canada is like finding my sister at a sci fi convention. I don't think I've ever seen Jocelyn do sci fi.
We just don't get it in Canada. The war never came so far West, not really. Sure, Canadians fought and died protecting freedom and their country and all that stuff that Americans are always talking about, but it never really hit Canada. We never had a Toronto Blitz or a Battle of Saskatchewan. Frankly those sound stupid, and if they had happened, no one would remember them anyways because people don't really care that much about Canada. The most exciting thing to happen here in the past twenty years was the Oka Crisis, and I doubt a single American teenager knows what that is.
Anyway, when I finally arrived, we went back to Brigitte's place and got dressed to go out. The night was long, and that's all I will say about it except that it wasn't particularly successful and I ended up going home a day earlier than I had intended.
This actually turned out to be kind of a good thing as the day after Halloween in Hungary is All Saint's Day, the day when families go out together to all of the cemeteries where their dead relatives are buried and place candles and flowers on their graves. It's a solemn day, a day to remember those who are gone. I kind of wish Canada had a day like this. I don't have many people to remember, but it would still be nice.
Lizzie and Imi picked me up from the train station and took me to a cemetery where a girl who'd gone to my school was buried. She died last year, hit by a drunk driver. I was already kind of emotional and it made me sad, but in a good way, I think. It was an important kind of sad.
The night was foggy, as it has been for about a week now, and the cemetery was alight with candles. It was one of the most beautiful, sad, heartwarming and heartbreaking things I've ever seen. The girl's mom was there, crying and accepting hugs from family and friends. That hit me hard.
I'm sure there's some religious explanation as to why they do it. I'm sure they think that the spirits of their loved ones are watching or something. Personally, I've never believed in that stuff, but it sounds nice, doesn't it? And it was beautiful. And either way, it's good for the people who are still here. It's important to remember.
Moira Ann